One Year Reflections

September 14, 2011 was my one year anniversary of my WLS.  So many things have happened in this past year that it is almost a blur.  I have officially lost 66 inches from my body and 75 pounds.  I have gone from a size 18/20 and 1X/2X to a size 4 and Small.  While the size differences are great it is not everything.  What has changed this past year?  What does the future hold?
What are the most important changes that have happened this past year.  Let me see.
1.   I am off All heart medications!
2.   I am off All Asthma medications!
3.   I no longer need steroid injections in my knee!
4.   My Blood Sugar Level is Normal!
5.   My Blood Pressure is Normal!!
6.   My Heart Rate is Normal!!!
7.   I have so much energy!
8.   I am more confident!
9.   I can run and play with my Grand Babies!!!!!
10. I am still the same person I was before WLS!!

This list could go on forever but I think these are the most important items for me.  If you note losing weight and inches was not in the top ten.  Now losing the weight and inches has been great and it has made the top 10 possible but it was never about getting a cute body and wearing smaller clothes.  This journey has always been about a better quality of life.  I so wanted to be able to get down on the floor and play with my grand babies and to run and play with them. I wanted to be able to be a part of the physical activities my husband wanted to do.  I longed for the day that I could just squat down and pray with a teen from my church without worrying about how I would get back up.  I wanted to be able to go on a walk with my family and not be struggling to breathe.
Knowing what I know now I would have done this years ago.  I am so thankful for this past year and for the team that God has put in my life.  I am so thankful for a supportive family.  Words can't even explain how I feel about the staff at Dr. Sloan's office who are there any time I need them.  They have made this past year possible because without them I would not have had the success I have.  You guys Rock!!
What does the next year hold?  I guess time will tell but I am so filled with hope for it that I look forward to it and can't wait to see how it all unfolds.  If this past year is any indication of what the future holds it is going to be a blast!!

The Clearance Rack

I read a post on Face Book yesterday that really has me doing some soul searching.  The post was about how we mark ourselves down and put ourselves on the clearance rack.  How we cheapen and devalue ourselves, we mark ourselves down and put ourselves on a rack at that back of the store with a big sign that says we are reduced for a quick sale.  We are telling the world that we are not worth what we once were and that we are really outdated and must be sold quickly to make room for the newer more modern.

 I had put myself on the Clearance Rack. I marked myself down whenever someone would say something unkind to me.  I marked myself down even further when I would gain weight.  I would mark myself down every time I perceived myself as failing at something or not living up to someone else’s expectations.  Eventually I had placed myself on the Final Clearance Rack.  Not only had I been reduced but I had placed myself at the farthest corner in the back of the store where only the serious bargain hunters go, looking for the items no one else wants and that is pretty much a giveaway. 

I have taken myself off of the Clearance Rack.  I have dusted myself off, straightened myself out and redone the packaging.  I am still the same person I was before but with the new packaging I no longer look like I need to be marked down and sold at a discount.  I have moved myself up to the front of the store and put myself in a Display Case where only the finest and most expensive items are put so that the discerning shopper may look at their beauty and inquire about what it would take to get the item. 

 I am still the same person I have always been the only difference is the packaging is different now.  Yes with this new packaging and a spot in the front of the store I will market myself differently and not sell myself short any longer.  I have removed the Clearance Rack from my life because I refuse to put myself or anyone else back on it again.

Take Your Medicine

Have you eve noticed how big some pills are.  I never noticed until yesterday just how big some antibiotic pills are.  I discovered during church that the upset stomach I thought I had the past few days was actually a bladder infection. If you have ever had one you know what I am talking about.  Now it is Sunday and I really did not want to go to the ER for a bladder infection but this was bad and getting worse quickly.  I remembered I had an infection about a year ago and that there was medicine left from when they changed it to something stronger.  I decided that I would take them and drink cranberry juice.  Out come the pills and I about passed out when I saw how big they were.  Not that swallowing them would be a problem but getting them through my band would be so I decided to cut them in half but it was still not small enough to pass through.  I cut the pill into fourths and began the process of swallowing each quarter of the pill.  Big surprise though you know that smooth coating on the pills well once you cut the pill like I did it doesn't work as well as when the pill is whole.  Yep each piece I took got stuck in the back of my throat and did not want to go down.  It took about 30 minutes to get that pill down.
I am happy to report that I am feeling better today overall but the pill was just as hard to get down today.  Next time I think I will just ask for the liquid version they give to kids.

Tools

I went for a fill this past Thursday and it was a fairly slow time at the clinic so I had a chance to talk in depth to several of the staff. It was a really good visit and I learned so much from all of them.  

Here is some of the stuff I learned.

•   First I learned that most people do not utilize the help that is available to them. 
• That a lot of patients disappear after having surgery.
•  That a good deal do not follow the plan that has proven to be successful. 
•  That I am rare to utilize the resources that are available. 
• Most bands are tighter in the morning making it more difficult to eat solid food.
• It is OK to not eat breakfast in the morning and to have a healthy snack around 10:30 or 11:00.
•  A lot of  banded patients eat more at night than they do in the earlier part of the day.
• The reason I am able to eat more at night than any other time of the day is everything is more relaxed and the food goes down easier.
• That Protein drinks are not recommended for Banded patients.
• Protein shakes are acceptable though if you are using them as a meal replacement when you can't eat solid food.
• Banded patients should avoid drinking any calories.
• The staff at Dr. Sloan's Weight Loss Clinic really do want to help and see each patient succeed in their weight loss.

This has me thinking.  You see I would not try to do laundry without the washing detergent nor would I try to drive my car without the alternator to keep the battery charged or with a check engine light.  You see almost all of us subconsciously make sure we have all the tools needed to see a  project through to the end.  Yet with our weight loss we ignore so many of the tools that are just waiting to be used by us.  We overlook the dietitians that are so eager to help us to get the proper nutrition.  We overlook the the nurses who are so willing to talk to us about our concerns about hair loss, or brittle nails, or so many other concerns we may have.  We overlook the trainers who are willing to help us start an exercise program that will work for us.  We overlook the doctor who is available to answer our questions and share in the thrill of our successes.  So many tools that are available to us we ignore and then wonder why it is we just can't seem to lose weight.  

I for one have decided to utilize the tools that are available to make it easier to get this job of losing weight, of living a healthy lifestyle done.  I refuse to let the tools that are ready to be used sit around unused any longer.  No I will continue to use the tools that our weight loss center has available.  Why use a screwdriver when a power driver will get the job done so much quicker and with less effort on my part?  

I do appreciate the tools that are available to help make this job easier to accomplish and I will use each one wisely.  Thanks to all you tools out there who make this  task seem not so big or hard!

  

Getting Stuck

Anyone who has been banded for any length of time knows what it is to get food stuck in their pouch because it just won't go through the opening.  Normally it is just a headache because you learn very quickly what you need to do to get it either down or back up. I know this sounds gross but you must do what it takes.

So how do I know when I have something stuck?  First thing I notice is the pain.  This is similar to an ice cream headache but much worse.  It starts  just at the top of my stomach and radiates to my back then up my shoulder to my head.  Worst pain I have ever felt and I have had 6 C-Sections.  Then the body starts creating mucus to try and help (it never helps by the way only complicates the problem).  Not too much of an issue if I am at home but if I am out in public with friends it becomes an issue.  I have to quickly excuse myself from the table and head to the nearest bathroom.  One sure way to get this taken care of is to take a drink of something and pray I get to the bathroom before it starts coming back up.  It never ceases to amaze me that once the offending piece of food (usually meat) is out life returns to normal almost instantly.  
So how does one get food stuck anyway?  Usually I am talking and eating at the same time.  I am not paying attention to what I am doing and did not chew well.  I may be exceptionally hungry and also not chew well enough before swallowing.  Either way it most always comes down to not chewing well enough.  I always thought that I was a quick learner before being banded but I have recently come to realize I am such a slow learner.  You would think that after this happened a time or two I would pay attention but no I seem to accomplish this on a regular basis lately.  
I am sure there are some people who will say it has never happened to them before and think I am crazy but I would counter with if you can eat anything you want and have never experienced this you just may need to get a fill.

Self Confidence

Self Confidence, what is it and do I really need it?  Well if I look it up in the dictionary this is what it tells me:   realistic confidence in one's own judgment, ability, power,etc  

So if self confidence is a realistic confidence in one's own judgement, ability, power then it would be nice to be self confident.  Am I self confident though?  At times I am, especially in the ability to do my job, to clean house, to be a fabulous grandmother, mother, wife etc.  Yes in those areas I am self confident.  Now when it comes to my eating habits self confidence goes  out the window.  I am eating healthy and I do pretty good sticking to the program most of the  time.  But I am far from confident about my eating habits, I know that it is much easier to revert back to the old habits than to stick with the new ones.  I know that it only takes me a bite or two of the foods that are trigger foods for me to fall right back into the old ways.  I know my weaknesses and I know what triggers them yet I so easily fall back into them.  There  is a sense of comfort when I go back there, at least for the moment, before guilt sets in. 

How do I gain self confidence in my eating habits?  Is it something I can create?  Is it something I won't be able to ever have?  I think eventually I will become self confident in my eating habits.  I think as time goes by and I continue to eat healthy that it will happen. I think that as I have more success at keeping my weight off  that I will eventually accept that  I have learned a new way of eating.  I think that daily I am building self confidence.  I just wish that I had it now!!

Accountability

I have been thinking a lot about accountability lately.  I am in a couple of accountability relationships at church and they are such a blessing to be a part of.  I do lack an accountability partner with my Weight Loss though.  It seems I have been too successful (in some peoples minds) and everyone thinks I have it made.  Truth is I still struggle with the same things I did before.  I still want to eat when I am upset, tired, angry, depressed, oh the list goes on and on.  Food still tries to be my comforting friend.  
I go to support group meetings every month and I have even spoken at the informational meetings my doctor has but the truth is there is no one to hold me accountable, no one who will say you are getting off track, no one who will tell me to Man Up and do what has to be done.  My family says what does a pound or two matter you still look great, but in reality I know that a pound or two does make a difference and I have to master this weight problem that for so long mastered me.  If I let a weight gain take hold and become a part of me again then I have started that slippery slide every weight loss patient knows all too well.  Sometimes I just want someone who will be honest with me and tell me if I am blowing it.  I know I have done great but I also know that at any time I could relapse and make all the wrong choices again.  
I guess for the present I will have to be my own accountability partner and tell myself to Man Up and do what has to be done.  I will tell myself that I blew it and I will get back on track.  I will not let food become my comforting friend again.  I am worth fighting for and I will win this War that rages.  I will be victorious in  the end.  This war is not over just because I have reached a normal BMI.  The battle may have been won but the war continues.  

Questions

Why is it so easy to gain weight and so hard to lose it?  Why can I gain 2 or 3 pounds in one day but work a week to lose a pound?   Do I really gain several pounds in one day?  Is it just water weight?  Have I really eaten enough in one day to actually gain that much weight?  Is this an accumulation of several days or weeks of bad decisions and wrong eating?  Does it really matter if my jeans still fit loosely?  Will anyone even notice?  Do I care if anyone notices?   What if it keeps happening and my worst fear in this journey happens and I become Fat again? Am I my own worst enemy?  Am I subconsciously sabotaging myself?  Am I afraid of being Skinny?  Am I afraid of being successful in this journey?  Why did I ever open myself up to all this scrutiny?  Did I really open myself up to scrutiny?  Does any rally care when I am struggling?   Do they care but are just too busy with their own problems and not have time?  Is this all really so important that I should spend so much time and effort on just maintaining my weight?


You Bet You It is Worth It!!  Yes there are people who care if I am struggling and yes they are busy, but they take time out of their busy schedules to be with me and to encourage me. Yes this can get expensive but so can doctor visits and medicine.  So many questions I need to ask myself and really sit down and answer them.  I am worth it and my family and friends deserve to have the Best that I am.  I may never know why I can gain several pounds in one day but take weeks to lose those same pounds but this life is a journey and I will do my best to enjoy the journey until I get to my final destination.  Now what is my final destination?  Just kidding I know where I am going when I die:)   

Emotional Eating

Yesterday was a fairly nice day and I felt like a success.  I feel like I was on track yesterday.  I consumed more calories at breakfast than normal but overall it was a low calorie day.  This day was needed after having the grand babies visit this weekend. I love them but staying with the program is so hard when they are here.  It seems the 2 year old is always hungry and grazing all day.  Of course grandma must graze with him.
I must say that I don't know how moms with young kids do this day after day.  I am convinced I would not do as well if I had to be in the house and dealing with food all day long.
What strength do stay at home moms have that I have not found yet?  Where do I fall short?  Am I really addicted to food just like a drug addict is addicted to their drugs?  
What is obvious is if I am addicted to food I don't want to admit it.  I will admit I have a problem with emotional eating.  If I am happy I want to eat to celebrate.  If I am angry  I calm down if I eat. If I am sad I always feel better when I eat my comfort foods.  Do these traits mean I am addicted to food?  I am not sure but I know I now recognize that I am an emotional eater and I am learning what my triggers are.  If I know what my triggers are then I can deal with them in a different way and not eat when I am not hungry.

A New Day

Yesterday was a horrible day:(  The grand kids were here and that is always great but I don't think I ate anything healthy the entire day.  I found myself grazing the entire day and I got in less than 32 ounces of fluid the entire day.  There was no tracking my food (I was too busy playing) and  found myself eating some very unhealthy chocolate coffee cake that I did not even like.  I could not believe it so when the grand kids left I threw it out.  Temptation Gone!! Now what was really going on?  What will I do about it next time?
I am not sure what was going on yesterday but I was my own worst enemy that is for sure.  I was cooking yesterday for the entire week and had all kinds of healthy and nutritious food available that I could have eaten the entire day even if I was grazing.  I think I just made a choice to eat unhealthy yesterday.  It may have even felt good at first but it quickly turned to guilt and then the old habits kicked in and I was out of control.  
What will I do next time to make sure this won't happen.  I would like to say that I have come up with a plan to not fall into the trap again.  Unfortunately my plan is just don't take the first bite.  Now how do I go about not taking the first bite?  Well DUH I don't even have to cook that chocolate coffee cake.  My excuse to see if it is any good to take to carry in dinners is gone.  It is not good and 3 other people confirmed it tasted less than good.  So I will not make this again and to be sure I am deleting the recipe from my folder.  Temptation gone (at least on this one).  Now the bigger question.  How do I plan on avoiding some other temptation?  Lots of Prayer.
I am looking forward to today and eating Healthy!!

Self Image

I have been thinking about self image a lot lately.  I have come to realize that when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror my perception depends on if I see my face or not. If I catch a glimpse of myself without seeing my face I tend to think wow who is that they look pretty good.  The problem is I almost instantly see my face and then my perception changes and I see myself totally different.  It seems my mind is having a hard time wrapping around what my body is doing.  
 I have been telling myself when this happens that if I am wearing the size I wear that I can't be as big as I think I am.  I am just wondering if I will ever really see myself in a positive way.  

Christmas

With Thanksgiving out of the way I was looking forward to Christmas and having most of the family home for the holiday.  Our family tradition has been to have pizza on Christmas Eve and watch It's A Wonderful Life.  We did that this year and I had a salad that I really enjoyed and the rest of the family had salad and pizza.  For Christmas we have always had an Italian buffet meal and this year we did the same.  
I had planned ahead this year and made almost everything in advance.  While cooking I made  what I liked most in a Bariatric version.  I made lasagna for the family and made my own with ingredients I could have minus the noodles.  I also made Cavatini but decided not to make any for myself because I really wanted to have the lasagna and Stromboli.  The Stromboli was made in a Bariatric version and I had it without the bread it is normally baked in.   
I enjoyed all of my favorite Italian dishes this past Christmas as well as the time with my family.  I am learning that I can still do all of the same things I have done for my family and stay on track.  The Holidays are not about food and I know that but the traditions have been in place a long time and I did not want to change that, but I really wanted to find a way to make this work for me and the family and believe I have done just that.  I am now looking forward to November and December this year as I have gained so much from so many people that I am confident now I can do this and no longer fear what may come.

Thanksgiving

I have always loved cooking for the holidays especially Thanksgiving. Since my husband worked for the airlines and this was their busiest time of the year I had to find a way to keep myself busy as we do not live near our family.  I like cooking so I naturally turned to cooking to keep myself busy and happy when he was working and I was home alone by myself or with small children.  Over the years my children came to really enjoy the traditions that revolved around food and as they grew and left the nest they would anticipate mom cooking all their favorites when they came home to celebrate the holidays.  In years past I would spend days cooking pies, making candy, baking cookies, and who could have a celebration without a homemade cheesecake.  
Now came the dilemma for me because I wanted to do all the same traditions my family had come to expect but I was also only a couple of months post op so what could I do for Thanksgiving.  I am not sure but I think the family came up with the solution for me since it was decided to go back home to St. Louis for Thanksgiving and now I would not be the one cooking.  
Thanksgiving day had it's own challenges as the family for the most part was very supportive and tried very hard to be a help.  It seemed everyone had an idea about how much I should be eating, some thought I ate too much and would gain weight, others thought I did not eat enough and was going to make myself sick and starve to death and then there was that home made cheesecake that someone thought they should make for me. 
How to handle all this and not offend anyone, could it even be done and not ruin the day for my dear husband?  You bet you because I have the best and most supportive husband anyone could have. He handled the family and all their good intentions like  a champ!! He would lovingly and gently let everyone know that we knew what I could and could not eat and that I was healthier than I had ever been and that if there was a problem we had all the medical care we could need only a phone call away.   The weekend turned out to be a great time with family and I learned that even though my family did not always understand they had my best interest at heart.
Oh yes I did eat a bite of the cheesecake once a day while we were there and it was so good and I still managed to lose 2 pounds that weekend.

First Monthly Support Group Meeting

I am six weeks out and have just been released from my weekly meetings and it happened that there was a support group meeting that very night.  I was so excited to see and hear how everyone that had been doing this for awhile was doing,  I really wanted to see all the success everyone was having and hear what was working for them.  Epic fail, so I had to make a choice right there on the spot, get depressed or learn from what I was hearing.  I decided to listen to what had been hindering the various people in the group and learn from it. I was determined not to make the same mistakes they had made.  To this day I think this is the best support group I attended.  Yes it started out negative and it frightened me and played on my fear of not being able to lose weight after being banded but I gleaned so much from that group like not snacking even on healthy food as this led to snacking on unhealthy food.  I learned that if a food was a problem before surgery it was still going to be a problem after surgery. That there were ways to cheat and to gain weight.  That not following the guidelines  that Dr. Sloan's team had set up was not an option and if I did not follow the plan I would most likely fail, so compliance with the guidelines was a must.   
Yes that support group meeting was the best I have attended.  Sometimes a negative can be a positive.  

First Fill

Four weeks post op and it is time for my first fill.  Needless to say I am in a panic, now this is not because I am a chicken but the week before 2 of the women from my post op classes had their first fill and they both had problems and the doctor had to be called in for one of them. The nerves were acting up like crazy, but I remembered I could handle anything they threw at me, so I had my husband take me and go in with me.  Like I said he  I can handle anything. I went through the class about the fill procedure and being the brave person that I am I volunteered to have the first one.  I was determined if anyone else had problems with their fill I did not want to know before I had my first fill.  So I hop up on the table and here comes the needle.  Not panicking yet and so the fluid is put in and I sit up and drink my water.  Wow that was easy!!  Why was I so nervous, who knows but now I go for adjustments as needed and it is no big deal.  

Post Op

Surgery went well and I was back home to recover.  I had heard of other people at the Weight Loss Center who were saying they were driving a day or two later but I was being a baby about this.  My port hurt every time I moved and I was convinced I had made the biggest mistake of my life having this done.  I managed to stay at home on the couch for over a week babying myself.  The next week I was scheduled to be back in group and I drug myself out of the house and headed out.  I was so glad that I went because I really needed the support that our group leader was giving.  I was also learning to live by the material that I had received to follow and was surprised at how little food I was needing.  It seemed only a bite or two and I was full.  When I went for my first weigh in I had lost more weight and I was starting to think maybe this would work but I also was taking a We Will See attitude.  I mean I had done this so many times before.  

To Band or Not To Band

One of the hardest decisions I have ever made is the decision to have a bariatric band.  I felt like a failure, I mean what was wrong with me, if I just had more self control I could get control of this weight problem.  I had done several diets including pills from my doctor, Atkins, Weight Watchers, Starving myself.  I was pretty good at losing the weight and then would gain it right back. I even managed to gain weight while following weight watchers.
I was scared to death that we would spend all this money for weight loss surgery and I would fail yet again.  If I spent all this money and failed what would my husband say?  Would he be bitter that we spent so much and then I still did not lose the weight I needed to lose?  When he found out what I was thinking he informed me that he had made more costly mistakes and if I failed at least we would have tried and not to worry about it.
I went to see Dr. Sloan at one of his informational meetings and became convinced that I could not do this and if I was going to have surgery I would have to decide which one I would have.  Now they wanted me to decide and all I wanted was for someone to make the decision for me.  I went home thinking there is no way I will ever be able to do this.  I put it to rest or so I thought.
Fast Forward about 8 months to August 2010.  I told my husband that I might be interested in having the Weight Loss Surgery and we talked and decided together that the Band would be best for me.  I called the clinic and was given a price and was told I needed to get a Psych evaluation before we proceeded.  Now I was scared, I don't know why but I was sure he would say I was crazy.  I paid for my surgery and the next day started the program.  I had heard all these horror stories about what you have to go through but I was tough and I could handle anything they threw at me.  None of the horror stories I had heard were true!!  The team was awesome and were so kind and helpful and No One judged me for not being able to get this weight off on my own.  Four weeks later I received my Realize Band!  I was Banded!!!  Now would this really work?